i need to restore myself

I have hurt you as well as myself by trying to fix this relation which is bound to fade and perish. we are the one destroying it with our hands by accusing each other of the things that we may or may not have done,.you could have been faithful to me if you had wanted me as a close friend for life but you chose to continue with your lies and kept feeding me with all the lies you wanted me to believe. Truth always comes itself on the surface sooner or later, most times sooner than expected. now the damage is done and there is no way to rewind the clock to fix anything again, i think i should better get going on with the life. i dont want to look back again and sigh. i wish i could forget about you... and about all of the love you have given me, it is not going to be possible in centuries or as long as i am alive, i trust you blindly even when i knew you were lying, huh, i knew all about your life before you had told me and explained me,
now i just feel broken after knowing you dont even value me as a good friend. you never needed anyone in life other than your loneliness because it's the best you need in your life, not people who would judge you and pass their remarks on your personality discovering your evil sides.
I never thought much about the consequences when i expressed my feelings to you, kind of tried to be open about everything and in the end everything was considered a game or a lie by you. it hurt me now, hurt more than anything else could, i wanted to go back to myself again, wishing to feel the human i was once, hoping that it might happen one day it is going to be a long journey for me to find myself again. this damage has severely affected my heart and soul, i feel like a broken and shattered person. i still have hope but seriously it cannot heal me alone, i need something more such as drugs and alcohol, all these people claiming that these drugs work for them, they may not be telling the lies